(DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. It’s important to remember this is all totally fabricated, embellished, and exaggerated for entertainment purposes.)
“I’d do anything for you…in the dark.”
Frank Ocean – Siegfried
“I slept with someone,” he changed the subject. My chopping slowed. I glanced to him briefly before fixing my eyes firmly on the cutting board.
“Oh yeah…who’s dat?”
“Doesn’t matter, to be honest…she wasn’t you.”
“Then… okay…why’d youh even tell me?? What was the purpose of that, exactlyh?” I struggled to sound patient. “Why’d youh bring it up?”
“I dunno…I feel like I need to answer to you or something.”
“M’serious, Zayn. As a heart attack. I just can’t shake the impulse of, uh, wanting your approval for everything I do lately…”
“I dunno, mate…” he grew quiet, scraping around the bottom of the carton for the last trace of ice cream. “Sometimes you make me feel unconfident and unsure…” I set the knife aside and turned to face him.
“Soh…youh want me to approve of the people youh sleep with or sumthin’?’ I cocked a brow at him. He just nodded, looking down and toying with the spoon. I snatched both out of his hands and set them aside.
“Who is she?” I demanded calmly.
“A food blogger.”
“Well…youh like her?”
“She’s alright.” He somehow managed to shrug with his mouth, forcing the corners of his lips downward.
“Just alright? How’d youh even meet?”
“Friend of a friend. The usual,” he leaned back onto his hand, swinging his bare feet again.
“Soh…youh doing a whole thing with this one or just messin’ around a bit?” I moved to open a bottle of red wine to cook with.
“Just messing around for now. M’thinking of making it official, trying to see it through for a while. It depends on how she takes the publicity once we go…well… public.”
“She a good girl?”
“She a good lay?”
“Yeah,” he chuckled.
“Well, what’s there to disapprove of, then?” He finally looked over and met my eyes.
“I want you to yell at me.”
“Why, babe? I don’t wanna do that. I kinda like youh,” I smiled reassuringly.
“Sometimes I just think about how good it would feel to upset you. Wait, wait, I know that sounds fucked up. Fuck’s sake, mate. M’sorry…hear me out!” He grabbed my wrist.
“Alright, goh. Explain yerself.”
“I want you to, like…be jealous of her, but I know you know I’ll never, uh, feel the same way about anyone else as I do you.” His husky English drawl was a comforting sound as the day grew later; no matter what he was saying. It reminded me of autumn in the UK when it’d get dark early and he and I would fall asleep in front of the fire. It felt like I’d lived a hundred different lives with him.
“So basically I’m fucked either way, Z. You hear me? I can’t get rid of you for someone else, but also can’t have you the way I want. And I can never, uh, really make you jealous…”
“Why do youh wanna make me jealous forh?” I squinted, moving to stand between his knees.
“Is it fucked up that I like to upset you… in that way? It reminds me of how much you still want me.”
“Youh don’t need to make me jealous to know that, sweetheart,” I whispered, watching him with a tenderness that poured unruly and rampant from my heart. His gaze softened, locking with mine. “Don’t I always show youh? Every time I take your clothes off? Every time I get you alone? Don’t I always show youh how much you mean to me? Huh?”
“But sometimes it feels like you’ll be so consumed with her for the rest of your life, you’ll, uh, forget about me.” I knew it was coming. His insecurities were incurable, it seemed. It always game back around to her irrespective of where we started.
“G isn’t a threat to you in any way shape or form. I don’t know how many times I can tell you that.”
“My head says differently…and I can’t make it be quiet.”
“Well how about this?” I played with his trembling fingers. “Sumtimes I get soh sick of seein’ her around all I can think about is youh. You’re the only thing that makes me feel better, soh I meditate on youh. Sumtimes all day, all night…you’re always on my mind.” I edged closer until I was inches from his face, swimming in his eyes. I cocked my head to the side and watched his lips as he licked them nervously.
“When I slept with Tess, she screamed a lot.” It was so abrupt and random, we laughed.
“Well shit, were youh hurtin’ her?”
“No,” he snickered. “I think she was really turned on. It kinda scared me.”
“Look who’s talkin’… youh scream loud as fuck too.”
“But that’s different…”
“Is that soh?” I moved to put the beef and vegetables and seasoning into the pan and started cooking.
“You’re you. I can’t help myself around you, mate,” he said, as if that was justification enough. “And the idea of what we’re doing makes me lose my mind no matter how long we’ve been doing it. It’s something about the idea of the secret that turns me on irrationally, uh, in an animalistic way.”
“You’re depraved.” I tossed back over my shoulder from the stove. “Noh, but honestly I get what youh mean, maan. I think m’addicted to the ideah of noh one knowin’ about us. Sumthin about the fear and paranoia is sexy as fuck.”
“Yeah…we’re pretty sick. But with everyone else, there isn’t that sort of deep metaphysical or, uh, spiritual connection. With them it’s just flesh bumping flesh. Same ol’ body parts. Sometimes the personalities make it intriguing, but nothing really compares to what we do.”
“Can’t argue with youh there.”
“You think people would think of us as gay if they ever found out?”
“C’mon, I wanna know. I don’t think of us as gay…like, ever.”
“Well…” I added the tomato paste and red wine to the pan. “…it depends on who you mean by ‘people.'”
“Start with our families, for instance.”
“Mine, yeah, they’d definitely think of us as gay. Yours, not soh sure.”
“And our fans?”
“Mine? Yeah, they would…” I laughed. “Yours, I dunno.”
“Why is that?”
“I think maybe your fans might be a bit more, like, progressive minded? Soh they’re more willin’ to understand there’s layers and, like, complexities to sexuality in general. Not just black and white or gay or straight. Loads of mine would understand that too, of course, but I feel like a large portion of my solo fanbase come from, like, countries that are more soh rooted in traditional ideahs. So they’d call a spade a spade and think of us however tradition dictates.”
“Never thought of that.”
“Yeah, me neither.” I put the pasta on and topped off the sauce with a bit of cream.
“Haz…youh know…” I cut the food off and covered it when I was finished. “I think I might be in some serious trouble. Like…life-ruin’ type shit.”
“What the fuck? Z? What kind of trouble?”
“Heavy stuff, babe, heavy stuff.”
“You gonna tell me about it or are you just gonna keep being vague?” He asked, brow furrowed.
“I can’t yet.”
“What? You don’t trust me with it?”
“Noh, I’m protectin’ youh. Trust me.”
“Why not let me protect you for a change? Huh?” I could only shrug. “C’mere.” I moved to stand between his legs at his bidding, and he locked them around me. “You need something from me? I’ll give you anything. I’d do anything…you know that. Need me to help you bury a body?”
“Noh, noh, babe…” I laughed. “None of that, but thanks.” He took my face between his hands, stroking my beard.
“Then what?” He kissed me, murmuring: “Tell me, baby…” I loved it when he called me that. It was rare so it was a hard-won and resonated bone deep. I was his baby. Nothing on this planet could change that. Not now, not ever. Even if the heavens fell down on us, I’d still be his number one. I needed to let him in, if only a little.
“Just know, babe, that if I ever do sumthin’ that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to youh…or maybe seems like I’m choosin’ to hurt youh…please know…I’m always doin’ all I can to protect youh and protect us. I don’t ever want to hurt, Haz. Not willfully.” His brow wrinkled with confusion.
“You’re scaring me.”
“I know…m’sorry. M’scarin myself too.” On the verge of tears, I collapsed into him. He held me and squeezed me, rubbing my back and massaging my scalp until I calmed down. I couldn’t explain what exactly had come over me, but I was so tired of feeling scared and utterly alone in this situation. Despite Taryn knowing and seeing everything, Haz was the one on the planet who could sincerely understand what I was going through. And while I didn’t want to keep anything from him, those sick fucking bastards had somehow managed to set a wedge between us that I couldn’t find a way around.
I couldn’t tell him because I couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t do something drastic to save us which would result in pissing them off. Most days I just wanted to die, but having him in front of me, so real and open and trusting, wanting to take care of me, it sucked that I couldn’t just surrender to what he was offering me. I was safe with him and always would be, but I just couldn’t unclench or open up. Couldn’t let go. Couldn’t let my guard down for one second to feel any of the peace he was determined to share with me.
We didn’t even eat. He took me upstairs because he wanted to make love to me with an urgency that made me feel like we were on the run. God he had bankrupted me emotionally. I couldn’t sense anything else but him. I dissociated with the reality around me so severely the only recognizable thing in the room at the moment were his eyes.
“Baby, can we keep the lights on?” he asked.
“Please…whateva youh want is fine with me…” He grabbed me over to him by the back of my head, his fist gripping a handful of my hair.
“You make me feel weird…” he puzzled. “Strange…heavy. Fuck’s sake, I’ve got mad love for you…”
M83’s “Wait” was the only sound in the house, apart from our breathing. He brought be before the before the bed and dragged my shirt up over my head. Now he scooped me up into his arms, kissing my chest and neck and eyeballs, laying me back onto the mattress with a painstaking particularity. His lips smacked greedily against the salt of my throat, roaming down over my pecs where he stopped to suck my hardening nipple. My stomach clenched at the first brush of his tongue, as scathing as the lick of a flame. I held his head to my chest, tossing my mine back with a whimper, not wanting to let him up for a second, not even to breath. He flicked at my nipple with the sharp tip of his tongue, moaning unreservedly until I grew tender from the wild friction. Grew drunk on his cries. My pec pulsed, achy and slippery, begging to not be left alone. Begging not to leave his mouth.
His hand slid between us as he fussed with the fastening to my pants. I reluctantly let go of his head and allowed him to take my pants off, pulling at my own nipples and biting my lip. My eyes kept slipping into the back of my head remembering how fucking good his mouth had felt. I helped kick my pants and briefs away when he got them down around my ankles. My semi-hard cock fanned slowly towards my belly after being freed. I tugged softly at it until I made myself gasp.
He kissed his way back up my trembling belly, up between my ribs, taking my neglected nipple into his mouth while stroking my thrumming cock. I croaked unintelligibly, not knowing which sensation to savor the most. I hadn’t felt this powerless in along time. I was so used to leading, so used to manning the ship that I almost didn’t know what to do with myself. Didn’t know how to be taken care of. Now Haz bit down on my pec and I cried out, earning a throaty laugh from him.
“Mmmm…babe….” I exhaled, feeling his hand slide slowly down my shaft, jerking me languidly and torturously. His moans were driving me insane and at times were louder than mine.
“Mmmm….” he hummed against my chest, tongue lazily toying with me. He stopped to look me in the eyes, spit line trailing from his parted lips, quite pleased that I had yielded to him so easily. It was the only way he could get me to open up. Now he kissed me brutally until I couldn’t catch my breath. Punishing me for needing him. Biting down on my lips.
The heat of his palm stoking me shot tingles through my groin down the length of my legs. I loved that it was rough and dry contact, a primal flesh-to-flesh friction, nothing standing between us. Nothing hindering a cell-to-cell and chemical bond. I didn’t give a fuck if I chaffed.
His thumb traced unhurried circles around its leaky head, making my hips writhe. When he saw I wanted more, he slipped down to lay between my legs. His lips kissed the inside of my thighs, purposefully evading my cock. He pressed his face into my groin, smothering himself in it’s hot, clammy goodness. I tried to stroke myself and he shoved my hands away, tormenting me. When I whined deliriously, he gazed up at me with a grin. I bucked my hips, whimpering for him to touch me again.
Instead he kissed my taint, nuzzling it with his nose before pressing his lips to my balls. I tried to stroke my own cock again but he flung my hands away. I settled for pulling my nipple and digging into my navel while he repeatedly kissed my balls and the bottom of my ass. I scratched up and down my own torso like a drugged cat.
“Babeeee…” I cried, sucking my lead finger, trying to convey the sensations onto my lonely and neglected cock. It worked well enough, so I circled my tongue around it repeatedly and tried to pretend it was his.
Haz reached and grabbed the lube from my nightstand while I slumped in anguish down the bed. Now he dragged me to the edge of the mattress and climbed down onto his knees on the floor. He drizzled its sweet and subtle scents all over my shaft and balls, rubbing it into my springy cock until I was on the brink of coming. Then he jabbed a few slippery fingers into my ass and smiled as I clenched around him.
“Fucccckkkk, babe…ahhhh fuck…” I hissed. He dug deeper and deeper until he hit the sweet spot and that sent me reeling. I shot up halfway off the bed, fucking his hand as best I could; savage for more. Straight-up levitating. He took my cock into his free hand and gently blew cool air onto it. Coupled with the warming-lube it created a fucking spectacular sensation. He kept blowing, turning his head back and forth, fucking with me. Letting his lips negligently brush against it. Their pillowy warmth flicking back and forth over the head. Licking the throbbing tip with quick, tantalizing strokes. Feathery caresses that drove me mad. Kissing it but only barely.
“Babe…pleassssse….” I begged, wheezing like I’d run ten miles. At that he swallowed me down to the base. It took all I was not to come the second his heat surrounded me. Now he withdrew, stroking my sticky length and kissing my balls, fingers mercilessly working my insides. He brushed my prostate again and again and again with an outrageous adroitness, making me come with a panting shout.
I lay shuddering afterwards, furious when it was all over. It couldn’t be. I wanted more. I needed more. I needed it. With cum all over my stomach, I climbed onto my hands and knees and waited for him to keep going. He stood and drizzled lube down my ass crack which was propped up eagerly awaiting his care. I arched my back with a hiss the second his fingers broke into me. I didn’t give a fuck how pathetic I looked, grinding back into his hand like an undignified joke of man. A drooling baboon.
“Fuck me…please. Fuck me, Haz…goh, goh, goh…please….” I begged. “Ruin me, babe. Kill me. I don’t wanna breathe. I don’t wanna breathe…” Within seconds his cock was slipping inside, shoving my walls apart and springing tears into my eyes. A spinechilling tear slowly ripped through me. It seared all over, flashing great sheets of white behind my eyes. Like I could see inside my own head. He was crushing me from the inside out. Like a rod had shot up my ass clean through to the back of my throat. It had been so long since he’d been inside of me I felt nothing but glorious embarrassing agony. He withdrew, sensing it was too painful to continue.
“Noh!” I panicked.
“I can read your mind…” he rasped.
“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait…please just fuckin’ wait. Don’t goh. I’m gud. I can handle it. I can handle it, babe!”
“I want you to be comfortable.” At that he pulled me up onto just my knees and hugged me from behind, kissing the back of my neck. “I can’t hurt you…ever. I’d kill myself.”
“Pleassse, babe…” I panted, flailing back into him, clinging to the powerful arms wrapped around my waist. “I need youh inside of me. I can’t fuckin’ breath.” I slammed my head back into him. “Please…I need youh back inside. Don’t leave me.” I was manic, delirious, raving. What the fuck was wrong with me? “Youh have noh fuckin’ ideah how bad I want youh inside of me…” I shoved his hand down onto my cock. I wasn’t hard again, but I needed to feel him around me. I needed to feel covered in every way I could.
“Can we switch positions?” he whispered into my ear. “I wanna hold you…”
From there he moved to the head of the bed and sat, pulling me over to straddle his lap. We sat that way for a while with him holding me, kissing me with a feverish and babbling earnestness. Whispering nonsensical things in between. Telling me how much he loved me and that I didn’t have to hide from him. That I didn’t have to hide behind sex. That he understood me. That he wanted to really know me.
I would’ve embalmed my heart if I could, to preserve the way I felt about him. He changed when he topped, becoming more animalistic and obstinate. No longer the playful and agreeable chap that sought to acquiesce to the will of others. Fucking hell, I was in love. This was my man, for better or worse. Till death do us part. I was so fucking in love I wanted to scream until my ears bled. Soul-sputtering love. Mind bending. The kind that depended. The kind that upended. The kind that deafened. Blinded. Stupefied. Brought you to your knees. Ripped the wind out of you. Personality-altering.
The sort where you didn’t know your hands unless they were touching him. Didn’t know your thoughts unless they were compromised of his memory. The chemistry, energy, and intimacy between us felt like sorcery. The merging of worlds and dimensions. Destroying the universe’s carefully fixed constants and continuums.
He held me upright and I would’ve fallen over had he not locked me in place. Gorgeous and capable arms crushed me. This was unnervingly intimate. We’d be face to face the entire time. He kept looking me right in the eye and telling me I was beautiful, as though he sensed reservation in my heartbeat, sensed that I felt like an imposition sitting on him the way I was. I didn’t want to be a bother. It was beyond straddling. Somehow it felt like we’d never been this close before. All of me was wrapped up in his arms, crammed in his vicinity, and he held me like I only weighed a stone.
I didn’t like feeling delicate and ungrounded, as it was new for me. I was always the one leading. Always the one thinking ten steps ahead in the bedroom, strategically optimizing a route to mutual pleasure. But I trusted him completely and was happy to surrender so he could instruct me. Deep pleasure was on the way. Mortifying pleasure that fundamentally would change who I was. This was no longer Haz…Harry was here now, and I was somewhat afraid of him because he was unpredictable. He broke me every time he emerged, leaving me in shambles. An enervated weakling. A worn out thing needing to be held. To be reassured. To be told I was loved.
“Harry…” I exhaled, and it was barely audible. God how he changed me. I didn’t like being this version of me for too long. He gazed at me unenergetically. He slowly jutted his face in my direction, mouth parted, and I knew what he wanted. I buried both hands into his hair and kissed him tenderly. Frowning with the confusion of how it could be so good, even after all these years. All I heard was our mouths parting and the tackiness of our spit as our tongues lazily massaged each other. Lips brushing so affectionately I could feel it in my intestines.
He lubed his fingers and slid a hand between my cheeks, caressing me so gently I gasped against his mouth. I clenched and shuddered and he told me to relax. His fingers circled my hole with a dizzying dexterity. When he broke into me, I whimpered, burying my face in the crook of his neck. Riding his hand. When his cock broke into me again, all I saw was indigo. Flashing colors that folded in on one another and ricocheted until I was blinded. I clenched around him and he grunted. God he was a nurturing lover. Radically conscious and exploitative. I shut my eyes and rode him to the brink of fainting.
(Thanks for reading!❤️)